Ridgeet wrote on his blog

Open

Open Relations ... now thats an interesting concept that I am trying to understand off late, especially after meeting someone who is (or claims to be) in one.

What exactly is Open Relationship ?
1) There is some degree of commitment, yet no issues if I screw around
2) I live with you, take care of you, and get the same in return... and yet there is no legal binding for the same ... so can move out any time ...
3) Maybe marriage is silly a term, our relationship is much deeper than that (what's live-in then?)
4) Come on, lets not restrict ourselves
5)
6)
7)

You are most free to add up to my list. Interestingly, the concept is viewed differently in different societies. As I find many of my friends smirking at the thought, as for them it is nothing but an open license for adultery... many others are quite accepting of the fact that it is a good way of removing the restrictions that are otherwise set by the tradional boundaries of marriage.

But then again, how open is an open relationship?

Does it necessarily overcome some drawbacks of marriage (if any ?) or is just a plain fad of time? Long back I read an interview of the wife of an idustrialist who said that she thinks that if her husband maintains an occassional affair outside marriage, she is quite fine with it. As long as he comes back to her.

Point to be noted, and I have been sensing the same, that open relationship often tinkers the message of an affair, or sex, or date... but never does it talk about companionship. I am not very sure, but shouldn't that also be considered. If that exists, that is...

But the open relationship concept probably works best when their exists a equivalent amount of maturity and sense of security in the two minds. Else the mix could be explosive. Think of the possibility. And of the possible harm. At one hand, it can make you reduce the tension of commitment, and yet could bring about more than asked for.

But somewhere in the whole argument, I am thinking, dont we still have the sense of responsibility and commitment existing in our daily relationships. After all, even as friends, we are bound by unwritten laws laid down by the heart. Wouldn't it be weird, if we had open friendship, whatever that would be like. Whatever, maybe the definition implies a deeper definition. Maybe society demands for it from a high profile couple, or boredom and the daily routine desires a change, or the basic nature compels to look out, or just too free a nature prevails.

But at the end of the day, a relationship of some sort exists.

My reply to him -

Hi there,

I read your post about open relationships. You have thought it out very well. You've touched almost all the angles except may be one detail - open and closed relationships are categories of relationship based on sex. There's lot more to a relationship. I am in a relationship and we celebrated our third anniversary last week. We have also been living together for more than 2 and a 1/2 years. And our relationship can be called an open relationship by some.

For me it is a relationship, a commitment to be together come what may. My partner came out to his parents after we met and a couple of months ago I came out to my parents. We have gone through a lot for each other and we will continue to do so.

You are very right about maturity and sense of security of the partners for any thing like this to work. We have reached that level in our relationship where being together doesn't mean just having sex with each other. We share our lives and dreams.

When I read your post I felt like writing to you and give you this perspective. To each, their own. All of us are different and what works for us may not work for you.

I came across this funny thing last night.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making an expected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Desperate Wife.


************************************


Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wav files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1 "

Tech Support

Infatuation Vs Devotion

“The difference between infatuation and devotion is the length of the two” said my partner. We were discussing Mrs. Henderson, a charming movie we had just finished watching. The movie is about an old English widow who buys a run-down theatre and with the help of a veteran manager makes it the best act in the whole of London. The movie is based in the London of 2nd world war.

Maureen, one of the show girls, is disillusioned with love. She is one of the naked girls who are placed in the act in the form of a tableau in order to attract the audience. Since nudity was a subject dealt with prudence, Mrs. Henderson gets permission to show nudity in her shows as long as the girls didn’t move (like the paintings in the museums). It is enchanting to see the different ways in which naked girls acting like statues can be a part of a dance and music show. So, Maureen is glad to be one of the naked goddesses; because now she is someone guys admire from a distance nut no one dares to come near her and thus she is spared the pain of falling in and out of love. Mrs. Henderson starts worrying about her and one day she sees a young soldier looking at Maureen with starry eyes. She introduces the two and convinces Maureen that this could be the right thing.

Later on we see that Maureen falls for the young soldier and then all of a sudden she sends her resignation. When confronted she tells everyone that she is pregnant and the soldier she was going out with has told her that he is going back to his ‘girlfriend’. Maureen is shattered and Mrs. Henderson is befuddled. She considered herself a master in reading human emotions. This is the only sad thing about the movie, otherwise it is a nice one to watch.


A little bit about the Windmill theatre which was the inspiration for this movie -

Films have been made before about the Windmill Theatre and its manager, Vivian Van Damm; among them is TONIGHT AND EVERY NIGHT, shot in Hollywood in 1945 and starring Rita Hayworth as a Windmill girl. But none until now have told the story of the real lynchpin behind the theatre, Laura Henderson, the formidable lady who defied London’s censorship laws to show nudity on the British stage and create a musical institution.

MRS HENDERSON PRESENTS brings together some of Britain’s most remarkable and accomplished talent, including Judi Dench and Bob Hoskins, and two rising stars, the pop singer Will Young and actress Kelly Reilly. It is directed by Stephen Frears, well known for hits such as MY BEAUTIFUL LAUNDRETTE, THE GRIFTERS and HIGH FIDELITY.

THE HISTORY OF THE WINDMILL THEATRE

The site in Great Windmill Street in London’s Soho where Laura Henderson was to create her world-famous theatre has had a long and varied past. The street took its name from a real windmill that stood there from the reign of Charles II until the late 18th century. In 1910 a cinema, the Palais de Luxe, was opened on the site. It stood on the corner of a block of buildings that included the Apollo and Lyric theatres, where Archer Street joins Great Windmill Street, just off Shaftesbury Avenue. The cinema was one of the first places where early films were shown, but as larger cinemas were opened in the West End, business slowed and it was forced to close.

In 1931, Laura Henderson bought the disused building and hired the architect, Howard Jones, to remodel the interior as a tiny, one-tier theatre. Named The Windmill, it opened on June 22, 1931, with a new play by Michael Barrington called Inquest. But it was only a minor success as a theatre and returned to screening films, such as The Blue Angel starring Marlene Dietrich.

Soon after Mrs. Henderson’s new manager, Vivian Van Damm, hit upon the idea of producing a non-stop musical revue at The Windmill, work began on putting on the shows with singers, dancers, showgirls and specialty numbers. Revuedeville opened on February 3, 1932, featuring 18 unknown acts, but in the first few years the theatre lost £20,000, a fortune at that time. Eventually it became a commercial success, so much so that nearby Piccadilly and Pavilion theatres copied it and ran non-stop shows too, which took its toll on the Windmill’s ticket sales.

But when Mrs. Henderson and Mr. Van Damm decided to copy the hugely successful Moulin Rouge in Paris and put naked girls on stage, business picked up. Skirting London’s draconian censors by having the girls pose completely motionless on stage, like artwork, Van Damm concocted a series sumptuous nude tableaux vivants based around such themes as Mermaids, Red Indians, Annie Oakley and Britannia.

The Windmill was the only theatre in London which stayed open throughout the War (except for 12 compulsory days from September 4-16, 1939), hence earning its legendary slogan, “We Never Closed.” During some of the worst air attacks of the Blitz, from 7 September 1940 to 11 May 1941, the showgirls and some of its acts moved into the safety of the theatres two underground floors.

Many of the Windmill’s customers were families and troops as well as celebrities, who came as Mrs Henderson’s guests and included Princesses Helena Victoria and Marie Louise (the daughter and granddaughter of Queen Victoria). There would be the occasional problem with male customers, but security were always on the lookout for improper behaviour. More comical was the spectacle of the “Windmill Steeplechase”, where at the end of a show, customers from the back rows would make a mad dash over the top of the seats to nab the front rows.

Though Laura Henderson’s relationship with Van Damm was a stormy one – he had her banned several times from the theatre, only to find her sneaking in disguised as a Chinese mandarin and a polar bear – they bore much affection for each other. When she died in 1944, at age 82, she left the Windmill to Van Damm, who continued their work.

After Laura Henderson’s time, a host of great British comedians began their careers at the Windmill. Among them were Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Michael Bentine, Tony Hancock, Bruce Forsyth and Kenneth More, who did his first Windmill gig in the early 30’s and became the UK’s top box-office star of the 1950s.

Van Damm continued with the theatre until his own death in December 1960, when he left the venue to his daughter, Sheila. She struggled to keep it going but by this time, Soho had become a far seedier place, more akin to its image today. Mrs. Henderson’s Soho of the 1930s and 1940s was a respectable neighborhood of shops and family restaurants, part of a by-gone era. Unable to compete with the strip joints and massage parlours, The Windmill closed on October 31, 1964.

In the mid 1960s, The Windmill was reconstructed as a cinema and casino, and in 1973 a campaign was started to revive "The Old Windmill Days" and reclaim the theatre. But in February 1974, the venue was bought by the nightclub entrepreneur Paul Raymond. He made it a home for nude shows "a la Revuedeville but without the comic element,” although for a period in the 80’s he re-introduced burlesque when he renamed the Windmill ‘La Vie en Rose’.

Today, a lap-dancing club has taken over the building that once was the Windmill Theatre.

Sunday

Bored and nothing to do. Was browsing through a list of blogs on rediff and was disappointed. Not even a single gay blog (in the first 80 names that i browsed through). Rediff's search sucks!

Last night i finished going through all the resumes - all 130 of them. humph! By the fiftieth i started getting pissed off at things - people writing in for sales & marketing position when we categorically invited resumes for Technical Manager position; people boasting of 17 years, 19 years, 20 years and 25 years of experience when the ad clearly asked for guys between 24 to 32 years of age. I divided the resumes into 'rejected', 'Maybe' and 'most probables'. By the end I had 10 MPs, 36 MBs and 84 Rs.

There were some very long resumes. There was this senior manager at P & G who wanted to apply for sales & marketing position whose CV ran 18 pages. Can you imagine that? Supplying details is fine, but you should also supply a summary of things at least. Gawd! There was this guy from Delhi whose idea of a good Cv meant using difficult and pompous sounding words and abundant use of MS Word's text formatting applications.

I worked till 3 in the night and woke up at 10:15 when Anand came in with breakfast. Sweet corn and chicken soup, Moong Dal, bread and tea. Such are our eating habits. Then we read new papers. I subscribe to Mid Day and Times of india. So, every morning i get a thick stack of newspapers as Mirror is also included in the stack. We read out articles to each other. There is one story by a copywriter about office picnics.

I remember my days at d line and the article made me nostalgic. She says that she'd rather put her finger in the electrical socket. d line used to spend a lot on parties. I used to think if they gave half of that money to the employees it would make a lot of difference to their lifestyle. I used to get 8000 in hand as a trainee and it used to rile me a lot to see a couple of lacs being spend over dinner and booze. Sigh! They will learn the lesson soon. Satisfied employees make a successful company. They also know this but their idea of satisfaction is a bit skewed. Take them to fancy clubs and hotels and give them a night to remember and they will forget all their plight and return to work next morning - all refreshed and reenergised. Give me a break! I quit and today i am comfortably settled. Nitin left and got a job that paid three times more and had more dignity; Kanu joined Godrej and her career is flourishing there - despite being a non Parsi and from a non-premiere management institute; Shalini is a bitch, but even she is doing great at Phillips - though how much of it is to be credited to her beauty and her marriage to the HR VP is yet to be ascertained. Naresh is still there. And he will remain there. d line parties meant dancing like crazies and i hated that part with all my heart. One thing that i hate most is someone pushing me to do something i don't want to - and at all the d line parties i was forced to take the dias and show some steps. They knew that i live with a guy who is a dancer and that used to create more demands. As if Renu's husband's profession of a hotel manager would make her more affable and the perfect hostess - she always came across to me as a cold person; or Sunil's wife's profession as a teacher would make him more of a brainiac.

The Heart Decides

Some may try to control their emotions & develop strategies for their behaviour; others may turn to reading books of advice from 'experts' on relationships but this is all a folly. The heart decides and what it decides is all that matters.

Miracles

Miracles occur all around us, signs from God show us the way, angels plead to be heard, but we pay little attention to them because we have been taught that we must follow certain formulas and rules if we want to find God. We do not recognize that God is wherever we allow him to enter.

Relationships and Desperation

If people were to let go and not try so hard to be in a relationship, they might run the risk of not being in a relationship for a long period of time, but they are defenitely more likely to be available when the right person comes along.

Wait

Wait. This was the first lesson I had learned about love. The day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behaviour in certain ways - and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives. But by then you don't know what to say.

Music

I have got a good collection of music - a lot of thanks to Anand. The number is huge - there are so many pieces that i have never listened to. Most of the times when I put on music I directly go on to my favorites.

The other day i started exploring other folders because my favorites had been playing since the morning and it was getting a little bit monotonous. The first piece that i stumbled upon was titled Exodus by Henry Mancini. I put it on and i was blown off...this awesome piece had been lying on my comp without my knowledge. I started searching for other works by Henry Mancini - when I realized that Henry Mancini did not do the score for Exodus but Ernest Gold did. This little episode made me very much interested in these Hollywood music composers.

I talked to friends and started collecting information about great OSTs from the past. Indira asked me to look for Dr.Zhivago and when I found Lara's theme by Maurice Jarre I knew I have hit a gold mine. Maurice Jarre has composed for movies like The Ghost, Lawrence of Arabia, A walk in the clouds etc. I searched for something from Henry Mancini and came across Moonriver from Breakfast at Tiffany. Then I also got Brian's Song by Henry Mancini and I was floored once again. I am all for easy listening and there have never been better pieces that stir your soul so effectively than all these names that I am throwing around. Who can forget the haunting piano piece from Love Story that won its composer Francis Lai an Oscar? Then Nino Rota's Godfather themes, Howard Shore's Lord of the rings scores, Hans Zimmer's Gladiator & The Preacher's wife, Ruyichi Sakamoto's The Last Emperor, Vangelis' Chariots of Fire and Conquest of Paradise are all great pieces and compositions. A music lover's collection should have all these compositions - any music collectionn is truly incomplete without these.

I have got a new area to explore.

Our contemporary music collection is large and growing. Enya, Loreena MCkennit, Mike Oldfield, Hevia, Vanessa Mae, Bond, Moby,Enigma, Sarah Brightman, Vangelis, Yanni, Karunesh, Kenny G, Secret Garden, Deep Forest and many more.

Conquest of Paradise is playing in the background. A couple of years ago I was browsing through channels when I heard a sound - it sounded like Gregorian Chants (it was not); when I came back to the channel where that music was playing, I was surprised - it was a B grade Hindi movie playing on Zee Cinema while the initial credits were rolling. I waited for the credits to roll fully to see who had given the music. I saw an unknown name and marvelled at the beauty of the piece. Many years later I realised that the piece of music I listened that day is Conquest of Paradise by Vangelis.

Indian music directors have been taking inspiration from these old compositions and are mostly safe as only a few are aware of the original. While listening to Brian's song, I kept thinking where had I herad this music before. Remember the steamy swimming pool song in the Rekha starrer Khoon Bhari Maang? Rekha returns from States as Chariots of Fire starts playing in the background and then we see Kabir Bedi & Sonu Walia doing a hot number in the pool to the tune - only the word were "mai teri hoon Jaanam" (I am all yours dear). What a contrast. I think Rajesh Roshan did the music.

Amongst the movie themes The Specialist holds a very high place - at least in my list - both the opening and closing themes are fantabulous. The movie was a multiple Razzie nominee that year, but music is simply great. If you have not listened to them, please do. Then Roxette's Take my breath away for the Tom Cruise starrer Topgun. At this point I's like to mention If i could fly by Roxette again - great piece.

Chicken & Mushroom

Made a chicken and mushroom dish last night. Everyone loved it. Stir fry lots of onion and capsicum in butter; add mushrooms and then chicken breast (cut into one inch pieces); cook it for a couple of minutes and then add - oyester mushroom sauce, soy sauce, Worcester sauce, apple cider, lemon & ginger crush, black pepper and cook for some more time. There you have it. Watch your guest smacking their lips and asking for more. Don't forget to add salt. And don't ask me for measurements of the ingredients - i just dumped all the things in different quantities.

Chicken & Mushroom

Made a chicken and mushroom dish last night. Everyone loved it. Stir fry lots of onion and capsicum in butter; add mushrooms and then chicken breast (cut into one inch pieces); cook it for a couple of minutes and then add - oyester mushroom sauce, soy sauce, Worcester sauce, apple cider, lemon & ginger crush, black pepper and cook for some more time. There you have it. Watch your guest smacking their lips and asking for more. Don't forget to add salt. And don't ask me for measurements of the ingredients - i just dumped all the things in different quantities.

On Sunday we attended a Gay Bombay meet on long term relationships. We were amongst the 10 couples who formed an informal panel and who were supposed to discuss relationships, answer questions, dispel myths & validate facts.

We reached there on time along with another close friend who is single. The turn out was huge compared to the GB meets in the past. More than 80 people were cramped in a small banquet hall (some 20 x 40 feet large); this is commendable when the average presence at such meets is 20-25. The turn out is huge usually for GB parties and Film Fests, where the number of people could be anywhere between 150-200.

I entered the hall without my partner (he was parking his bag in our friend's car) and was scared witless at seeing so many people sitting in a circular fashion and all of them staring at me. To worsen things for me, the moderator of the meet called me by name and showed me to my seat to one side of the room where other couples were sitting. My partner followed in soon and I gained some composure.

The couples ranged between 25 years to 1 year or relationship. The oldest couple had met at workplace and since then they have been living together.

The meet started with defining the term "relationship". There were different opinions and the definition to which most ascribed was " a relationship is one in which two consenting adults come together and accept each other as the person they need most and want to live with." There was a guy who talked about his 'relationship' with a Ahmedabad based married guy. This fellow in Mumbai got in touch with the other fellow and they became a couple of sorts, wherein the married fellow looking for emotional and sexual support and used to come down once a month and they used to spend few hours together. Then the married fellow started keeping distance after he realised that his 'emotional & sexual support' is becoming more and more "clingy". This guy in Mumbai is very much in love with him and asked if this could be termed as a relationship. There were several responses to this, ranging from "yes, as long as you think it is and you are deriving some happiness out of it" to "no, it can not be termed as a relationship because the other partner is not ready to commit and is
actually distancing himself." People asked him to move on and leave behind this relationship which was termed as a "destructive relationship".

We talked about age differences between partners and it was concluded that age hardly matters if there is emotional maturity or equality between partners.

Then came the issue of 'working things in a relationship'. The word 'compromise' was corrected to 'adjustments' that both the partners have to make for a relationship to work. Career vs relationship also came up as a vital point. Vikram mentioned some statistics wherein Career was termed as one of the major reason for break-ups in gay relationships. Our example was talked about, where one partner is doing well and the other is struggling and wants to return to his country. I have serious doubts about moving to Canada. At the same time my trip to Germany convinced me about one thing - life in general is easier in a developed country. There was another fellow who recounted his experience with his Australian boyfriend and how the two of them juggled careers, changed countries in order to be together. What do you do when you have to choose between a flourishing career and a flourishing relationship? When does it become clear that partnership in life is more precious that partnership in the firm? When is too early to choose between the two?

We also discussed open & closed relationships. I voiced my opinion too - I rubbished the concept of categorising the relationship on the basis of sex. Sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Ask me, there are so many other things a relationship gives you, so many other issues that are there to deal with. I know one thing for sure that for an open relationship to work, both the partners have to be absolutely mature and free of any insecurities about the relationship. It is not everyone's cup of tea. Come to look at it, for any relationship to work maturity and freedom from insecurity are key players.

On the subject of insecurity, there was this cute couple, 4 months into their relationship; one of the partners was insecure about other's comfort with his sexuality. He was counselled to give his partner some time to grow accustomed to being gay and being in a relationship and the other partner was asked to constantly reassure his partner. At this point a cute young fellow ( he reminded me of someone) mentioned his boyfriend, who is deep in a closet and is imposing his predicament on him too. This guy is not allowed to attend such meets, parties or fests and stay away from anything and everything that might incriminate him. He was suggested to wait for some more time and then try reaching a middle ground, cause otherwise things wont work out for him as well as it should.

I forgot to mention that the gathering was divided on the subject of sex. If the sex is the only part that is not great about a particular relationship then sex can be worked upon. Others believed that if sex is great then other things in a relationship can be worked upon. There were more who believed in the first scenario.

Insecurities in relationship was the last of the topics to be discussed. We left the venue immediately after that and came back home.

Rahul Mahajan, Society & It's Celebrities & General Hypocrisy that's not visible

I do not have cable TV; resultantly I get my dosage of news from whatever news papers manage to print. So, when I read on gay Bombay group about TV News channels talking about the homosexuality angle in the “Mahajan-Moitra” case, I sat up and took notice. My impatience never allows me to go beyond the bold print, so may be I missed anything being mentioned about their alleged homosexuality in the news papers.

The reason why I don’t have cable TV (I have been off of it for more than a year now) is my partner’s insecurity. I used to spend more than enough time in front of the television.

The reason why I started this post is not to talk about my lack of cable TV induced entertainment. I was thinking about all the things we have come to know about Rahul Mahajan over the past 2-3 weeks. After the death of his father he was shown as the mourning son and that’s about it. The media was busy feeling sorry for him and the industry ‘celebrated his loss’. Then came the news of the fateful night. And in the last couple of weeks we have come to know following things about him –

• He is a licensed pilot and was in service as a commercial pilot for some time.
• He has a drinking habit.
• He reported drunk for work thrice.
• He also does drugs sometimes.
• His servants once found him naked in a Jacuzzi with Bibek Moitra, passed out.
• He was about to start his acting career.
• He had a low profile presence on the party circuits of Mumabi & Capital.
• He is suspected to be an in-the-closet gay or at least a bi-sexual.
• He was friends with model turned entrepreneur and partner in Velocity, Kazi and used to call him every time he was in the city – for a party or get together.
• He might be a victim of a conspiracy to defame and destroy the powerful Mahajan clan (????).
• Further, they added, Rahul had a predilection for being "unstable".
• And many other intimate details.

So many news channels clubbed with short attention span of the viewers forces the reporters to come out with as many details as possible. You never know what might catch the viewer’s fancy; what might catapult your story into the top slot. I feel pity for celebrity children/families. The price of fame we take from them is something we ourselves might not be willing to give if put in their place. Isn’t it strange how we treat others the way we would not want them to treat us?

Bibek’s death makes this case very delicate and reaching to the bottom of the truth is necessary. But I am sure, even if Bibek was alive and recovering in some hospital, these channels would not have stopped at anything to get a good story.

Why do we forget that the people we put on the pedestals are ordinary human beings and not super-humans. They are like us in every which way we see them. They have sex, they masturbate, they love eating, they cook, they have friends and love their families, they have affairs, they lust for someone other than their partner, they hate paying taxes, the haggle, they feel jealous, and they like sleeping in…so many things. But somehow, we don’t expect them to do these things. We expect them to be clean, conscientious, honest, humble, truthful, open-minded, brave, hard working, generous – I mean, Hello? Are we talking about human beings here? We put them up there and then attach truck load of expectations to them and when we realize that they failed to deliver, we pull them down harshly. We do this to others, and yet we hate it when someone does this to us. Did I mention ‘hypocrisy’?