Monday, January 01, 2007

How to hire an Escort

A friend of mine forwarded this to me in a mail. It is a nice read. I have edited out some really graphic parts of the article and have made changes to some other areas. Read on, it is nice.

THE CLIENT CHRONICLES – How to hire an escort?

Hiring an escort is similar to choosing a boyfriend, purchasing a new
car, and interviewing a job applicant all at the same time. It is a
complex and somewhat stressful matter and one of the best reasons to
develop and carefully maintain a stable of regulars. While novelty
can be exciting, unless you're prepared to settle for on a s&m
experience, the chances are you're going to be disappointed. Oh, s&m
means stand and model, not sadomasochism. Kind of like the crowd at
many Bombay bars & malls.

So I've decided to call upon my vast font of experience to provide you
with my own personal set of hiring rules, the rules I mostly follow
when in pursuit of novelty. But be warned, even I make mistakes and
miscalculations. However, over the years my failure rate has
significantly dropped. Years ago, only one in ten guys who "showed
up" would be keepers. Today, thanks to the application of precise
scientific principles, consumer savvy and finely honed instincts, my
success rate is up to, well, it's still one in ten. Don't
misunderstand, my success rate could be nine in ten, but when you're
enslaved to hormones and fantasy, you deceive yourself into thinking
that even though "this one" is typical of the kind of guy you should
NOT hire, you're going to get lucky and he's going to be hot. I am
weak and frequently break my own rules.

Nonetheless, if you're smarter than me, you will follow these rules
and, as a result, you will definitely increase your chances of success
and satisfaction. So, CONSUMER REPORTS, step aside, here's how to shop
wisely for an escort.

1) First and foremost, its almost a certainty that if he is
breathtakingly beautiful, he's going to bad in bed. For those of you
looking for living porn photos, this rule can be ignored. For
those of you looking for some good sex, this rule is critical.
Trouble (or lack of it) is even more likely to be the case if he asks
for a fee that is way above standard simply because he is so much more
beautiful than average. Also be wary if he's charging by the pound,
the more muscle the higher the fee. He's full of himself and assumes
that he can just stand there and admire him. The likelihood of seeing
an erection (his, not yours) is slim to none. So look for hot but
flawed. Some of you may enjoy unresponsive and cold; my advice is to
watch porn rather than waste your money on a muscle bound, Men's
Fitness cover ice queen.

2) He says he's straight. Jesus, guys, when will you learn?
However, if you're into fucking "straight" guys and he's willing to
put his ass up in the air and spread it open for you, then fine. But
if you still think you're fucking a straight man....well. ...your gift
for self-deception is even more fine-tuned than my own; and mine is
really good. But if he's really straight and you hire him, keep in
mind that he's likely to have some rules of his own: you can touch me
but don't expect me to touch you, keep your hands off my nipples,
don't come near my face and please keep your tongue in your mouth. Oh,
and my all time favourite: it's extra if you want me to remove my

3) If he won't show a photo of his face, move on. Too many escorts
lie about their pictures and headless bodies likely tell you nothing.
And by the time you discover that he's not the body in the photo,
you're both naked and it's hard to stop. Popular excuses for this act
of deception include: I hurt my back two years ago and haven't been
able to get back to the gym...I haven't had a chance to take a new
photo since I moved to Bombay about 10 years ago and that's my
roommate's body...I can't use mine because I have a career. If he
won't show you a photo because he needs to be "discrete", "discrete"
usually means chubby, emaciated, bad skin, 39 rather than 29, or just
downright ugly. The reality is unless you're some kind of hideous
troll yourself, you shouldn't be paying for someone who should be
paying you. (Amendment: if he refuses to send a photo but very
courteously offers to leave immediately at no charge should you be
disappointed at the door, this is a good sign...but no guarantee.)
Like all of these rules, there are exceptions to this and good reasons
for not providing a photo, but it is a gamble and a gamble that will
significantly diminish your chances of success.

4) All he sends is a photo of his dick. Move on, unless you're a
serious size queen and it's huge and that's all you care about.

5) If he asks you if you're "a picture collector" hang up or block his
IMs. Let's face it, if you have access to the Internet, you have
access to more photos of hot guys than you'll ever live long enough to
view. (I know. I've been trying but the clock is ticking faster than
I can follow links.) The last thing you need is to waste your time
engaging some asshole in conversation just to score his stupid
photograph. You want to see his photograph and his face and eyes to
see if he's your type; and also for security reasons. And, once you
see the photo, if he's not your type and he flips out over your
hesitation, you've made the right decision in rejecting him. Decent
men understand.

6) Drugs and Drink. You've seen the photo, you've exchanged emails,
you've even done some instant messaging. Talk on the phone. Get a
sense of how he presents himself. If you're paying attention, you can
easily determine that he's wasted, hung over, wired, strung
out...whatever you want to call it...and unless that's what you're
into, move on quickly.

7) Talk on the phone. Explore the person a little bit before you
hire him; it's stupid, even though it seems hot, to hire someone who
is rude and indifferent. I know, I know. That can be very hot, but in
an escort it can be very dangerous and very disappointing. If you ask
a guy for rudeness and indifference and he's willing and able to do that,
great, but if he's rude and indifferent before you've clued him into
your fetishes and desires, that's not great.

8) During the phone conversation, show respect. You're talking to a
human being, not a piece of meat. Show some interest in his limits,
his desires. Try a little humour. Take the lead in this and see how he
responds. If he remains very businesslike and unresponsive to you as
a person, proceed with great caution, if at all.

9) Tell him what you want, but politely and with some initial
discretion. Do not engage in phone sex, unless he takes you there.
But you do want to be as clear as possible about what you want and
need. You can very much increase your chances of a successful and
satisfying encounter if you find yourself dealing with an escort who
shows interest in your specific desires. You can tell if he's engaged
in what you're saying. Is he asking questions? Is he "listening"? Or
are you getting a curt series of "yes", "sure", "uh-huh" and the
ultimate "whatever"?

10) If he asks for the money upfront, he's likely to be out of there
in under 15 minutes, assuming he stays at all. Demanding money
upfront usually means he's either very bitter, very angry, straight
and almost certainly a hustler and not an escort. Aha! Some of you
are wondering what the difference is between a hustler and an escort
but that's a different tale. For now, suffice it to say that you're
very unlikely to have a good time with a hustler unless you're into
mental abuse and really lousy sex, if sex happens at all. (A small
amendment to this rule: if you're seeing an escort for the first
time, it is, in my view, the decent and gentlemanly thing to leave his
money out and in a place where he can immediately see it. If he
doesn't take it until you offer it to him, that's a very good sign
that you've got a keeper on your hands.)

11) Don't hire "no shows". Being stood up by friends is barely
tolerable; in a business arrangement it is completely unacceptable.
If you hire an escort who has stood you up or arrived more than 15
minutes late, don't be surprised when he does it again, especially if
he hasn't called to say he's running late. If an escort has a
legitimate reason for standing you up, chances are he will offer to
compensate you in some way, either in terms of time or money.

12) And the most important rule of all: think with your brain, not
with your hormones. Your brain will take care of you, your hormones
will take care of themselves.

There are always going to be exceptions to every one of these rules,
and it is because of that that I keep making bad decision, thinking
that according to the law of averages, "this" one will the exception.
The truth is, according to the law of averages, "this" one will be
another disaster. So the most important rule of all is no. 12, if you
can remember. Unfortunately, amnesia is hormonal.

And a final word, The world is full of great guys who are escorting
for badly needed extra cash or because it really turns them on. But
the world is also full of hustlers, drug addicts, thieves and
assholes. These rules will hopefully help you weed them out so that
you can spend your time and your money on the good guys.


Blogger Ameet said...

That's seems like a lot of rules for something you'd do on a whim. Or maybe the point is you shouldn't do it on a whim?

7:31 AM, January 09, 2007  
Anonymous jalaj said...


Thanks for visiting my blog :-) . I havent hired an escort and i dont intend to , but interesting reading.

Lets be in touch


2:10 AM, January 14, 2007  
Blogger /~/ said...

very interesting and, err... enriching read
how r u p?

12:41 PM, January 14, 2007  
Blogger Gay Abandon said...

We're waiting for more. And thanks for being such a regular (and the only) visitor to my blog. But for you, I might have given up on the story.

10:36 PM, January 22, 2007  
Blogger Prasann said...

Ameet: You caught the drift of the article.

Jalaj: I am waiting for your next post.

/~/: Thanks! I am hoping to get back to posting, one of these days.

GA: You write very well and I am hooked to Meet's story.

10:26 PM, January 23, 2007  

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