Saturday, July 15, 2006

In The Lou, On My Phone

I’ve never refrained from receiving calls while I am sitting on the toilet – but, when I do I always become very conscious about the noises that are inevitable. For instance, (I would suggest that for those of you who are faint-hearted or get grossed out easily, you take this as your cue to stop reading!) I try not to make any ‘plop-plop’ sounds by moving my buttocks backwards so that the waste falls to the ceramic and not directly into the water. Also, I never douche myself while still conversing. And finally, flushing the toilet if STILL on the phone is TOTALLY out of the question, entirely.

But you know, this behavioural quirk of mine had a new light shone on it just recently… I’ve been given an eye opener!

I’d caught A while he was still at home and in the process of getting ready to leave. One of his numerous ‘getting ready rituals’ is sitting on the toilet with Mr. Robert Jordan or Mr. Terry Goodkind (or whoever is the flavor of the moment) and savoring a few chapters. This is a time consuming activity for him.

Anyhow, that day when I called him he was sitting on the toilet and was just finishing off. All of the sudden I heard some static, or I thought I did. Then, a little bit later there it was again, except LOUDER (I began to think his signal was flashing in and out). I asked him if everything was okay with his phone – and now here I digress…

He’s been meaning to buy a newer and more expensive phone for ages and I gasped to think that he might have a valid reason to do so; which would thus take away my reason for telling him each time he mentioned it, ‘There you go again, wanting to spend on your fanciful whims.’

Well upon being asked he blithely informed me that what I was listening to was FIRST the plip-plop of his feces meeting the water beneath, followed by him using the jet spray to douche-clean and finishing off with the grand finale: The Flushing of the Toilet.

I gasped again... So THIS was how my ritual of shitting sounds to the person on the other side of the line?

I must say, this was certainly a GREAT and IMPORTANT news flash for me! From now on I’ll never hesitate to Shit Away, even if talking to someone in the lou on my phone!


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